Carrie Hogan
I trusted this man. I trusted that he had every intention to heal me and give me some relief to the excruciating pain I was experiencing. I had no idea that I was being molested.
date of testimony: January 17th 2018
location of testimony: Lansing, Michigan
Up until yesterday I have wanted to remain anonymous. I have wanted to be able to wash myself clean of all of this when it’s all over. I know how important it is for me to stand up here today and tell you my story. That is why my husband and I have left our two young children at home and traveled here from California. But what I have realized in the last two days is that it is also important for me to put a name behind my story.
THE COURT: Thank you. Thank you for traveling and putting the name behind the story. I appreciate that so much.
While playing softball at Michigan State University I was one of the athletes who had the privilege to be treated by such a well known doctor. From the first time I walked into Larry Nassar’s clinic I was in awe of the signed photos around his office of Olympic gymnasts that he treated. He was the best of the best. I knew that this was going to be the answer to my back pain. Now today I sit here and I am so ashamed that I was so naive not to know what was happening to me in this clinic, how dare I be so clueless to believe that this was a legitimate procedure.
I trusted this man. I trusted that he had every intention to heal me and give me some relief to the excruciating pain I was experiencing. I had no idea that I was being molested.
He was so incredibly kind and friendly to me. He really made me feel like he cared about my well-being when all he really cared about was using me to fulfill his own sick desires. I am so ashamed that I was so blinded by this disgusting game.
It is so hard for me to not feel responsible for the majority of the girls’ pain here in this room. If only I would have figured it out.
If only I would have understood what was really happening to me and told my mom, my coach, my trainers. I could go on and on with these statements, trust me, they have haunted me as I laid in bed every night for the last year.
But what I’ve come to realize is that some of these girls were smart enough to catch on to this disgusting game and nobody did anything about it.
Nobody protected them, so while I beat myself up with these if only thoughts, I now realize they would have probably never even made a difference, but I still can’t help but wonder, maybe somebody would have listened to me.
This year since I have found out what was really happening to me in that clinic has been the most difficult year of my life. Every night I lay in bed and this consumes my thoughts. Every morning I wake up and I pray, I pray that God carries me through the day because I can’t do it myself. I don’t have the strength or the energy to go on with every day life with this burden constantly holding me down. Every morning I get the anger, the sadness, the guilt, shame, feelings of mistrust and betrayal.
I give the anger to God. I take a deep breath, put on a smile, and get ready to face a classroom full of 21 first graders. Underneath that smile there’s a flood of tears that I so desperately try to hold back all day long. Sometimes those tears manage to seep out but I quickly get ahold of myself because I don’t want anyone to know how bad I am hurting inside. If they knew how bad I was hurting, they would worry about me, so I hold back the tears and go on with my day the best that I can. There are many days where it all becomes too much and I just want to run away. I want to go into my bedroom, I want to close the door, and I want to cry, I want to cry out loud.
I can’t bear to let my parents know how bad I am hurting so I just tell them I don’t want to talk about it. I can’t tell you how much it hurts to be a grown woman with children watching your mom and dad cry because they’re blaming themselves and wondering what they could have done differently.
And the physical pain. I never knew that stress and anxiety could cause so much physical pain. My neck and upper back are literally tied up in knots causing excruciating headaches and neck pain. When the anxiety gets so bad there’s an ache that takes over my mid back area. It all sounds so silly to me, but it’s real. My doctor says that on top of physical therapy I need to figure out a way to deal with my stress because stress is what is causing all the pain and the headaches. If only she knew what I was going through, maybe she would understand.
I pride myself on being an excellent wife for my very supportive husband. Unfortunately, this last year I haven’t been the wife that my husband deserves. He has had to walk with me through the darkest days of my life. Our relationship has suffered the last year from intimacy to me just emotionally unraveling in his arms. He is the one who has had to pick me up. He is the one who has had to figure out how to deal with this broken girl who is so far from the one he married.
And my children. I have had not had the emotional strength or energy to be the mom that they deserve. Not only have I missed out on time with them due to appointments to try and heal myself, but I haven’t been there for them emotionally. They deserve their mom back. They deserve the confident, patient, loving, caring, playful, joyful mom that God has created me to be. Unfortunately, I don’t think I will ever be able to completely trust anyone — anyone with my children ever again. I am afraid that this is a scar that will forever be etched in my soul, and I will have to learn to cope with it.
Some of the best memories of my life took place at Michigan State University. My love for this school has been tainted by all of this. In the last year every time MSU is spoken of I cringe. I can’t so much as put on an MSU sweatshirt without thinking about Larry Nassar. I pray that some day I will understand that it was only him and a small number of people at the school who are responsible for all this pain and I don’t need to forever hate my school because of these people.
I am broken. I am tired. I feel like the life has literally been sucked out of me. I am in desperate need of healing. I can’t go on hiding behind my smile holding back the floodgates of tears. It’s exhausting, and my loved ones deserve so much more of me.
You have caused me and my family a tremendous amount of pain. The only way that I can move on is to forgive you today. I won’t continue to let your sickness and bad choices rule over my life.
I refuse to let you affect my ability to be the best mom, wife, and teacher that God has created me to be. My husband, my kids, and my students deserve so much more than I have been capable of giving them this last year. They deserve all of me, not just what I have left. No more forced smiles. No more holding back the rivers of tears. No more sleepless nights. No more stressing so much that I have physical pain. No more anger. I give the hurt, the pain, the guilt, the shame, the feelings of betrayal, and the anger to God. Only he can heal this broken girl. I can rest assured that you will be judged some day by someone that is much greater than myself, so I give it all to him.
Unfortunately, there are many more people that need to be held accountable for their actions or lack thereof in this nightmare. They will have their day, and it’s at that time I can learn to forgive them, but for now I can be at peace knowing that you will never hurt another little girl as long as you live.
Today I am asking the court to impose the maximum sentence for Larry Nassar. A statement needs to be made that sexual abuse to our children will not be tolerated and deserves the most severe consequences. Thank you.
THE COURT: Ma’am, thank you for that very powerful statement. I assure you that sexual abuse is not tolerated by this court or the state.
I heard in those words that you spoke that really your adult self is yelling at your inner child, why didn’t you do something. You know being a teacher, adults need to step up and speak on behalf of children, and I’m sorry that didn’t happen in your case, so you need to let go of that and not feel badly that you should have, could have, or would have done something. You were a child.
Now God placed you in a school. Your voice is heard by thousands of children. Now you have your own and you’re a teacher who can make sure that all children who come in contact with you will be protected, and that’s really important, and I think that’s really your message today.
You are broken no more. You are the voice of victims and potential victims and you are a strong survivor.
Life will be sucked out of him, not you. You are going to continue to grow and have a happy life with your supportive husband who came here today and your family and your students. You are so strong, stronger than you have given yourself credit for, because if you weren’t strong you could not have read that passionate speech in front of all these people and the world nor could you have sat down and written it. Give yourself some credit, ma’am. You are strong. You’re getting healthy. You’re altogether. You are a role model. You are a hero. Thank you for being here.
MS. HOGAN: Thank you.
