Kaylee McDowell

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date of testimony: January 19th 2018
location of testimony: Lansing, Michigan
age of first abuse: 12

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All right. So I received a quote this morning from a friend of mine who is also — she’s anonymous so she wanted to me to read this, and several other girls. You are not a victim for sharing your story. You are a survivor setting the world on fire with your truth, and you never know who needs your light, warmth, and raging courage.

Larry. Lar-Bear. You were my dearest friend from level five to level 10. I met you for a heel injury when I was young. There were all signs pointing to you from there and on. You were the one who was here to save me and my gymnastics. You and I had a very special bond from the beginning. You even said it yourself. You told me that I was special and going somewhere fast. I believed you because you believed in me, like everyone else.

The abuse started at 12 years old and continued until I was in high school. You gave me your Olympic jacket with your name on the inside tag after one of our special appointments. You always had my side when John Geddert did not, which was always, and for everyone else in the gym. You had a close bond with John as well. You were dearest friends yet would talk like he was the devil himself behind his back. Another odd bond there I wish I would have seen.

You watched me and took videos of me like I was your own. You had an ownership over me, over all of us, under the rug or under the white hospital sheets.

I trusted you with my life. My mom, my dad, my grandma, we all trusted you. They trusted you as if they would trust themselves. They trusted you with their own life.

You guided me spiritually, physically, and took hold of me emotionally. You had us all fooled, that was for sure. You were still Facebook messaging me the day after you got arrested Thanksgiving time of ’16. You were saying how I should pray for you, and you were glad you at least got to be home with your family for the holiday.

I still believed you at the time and I loved you at the time. Loved you. Then the pornography came out and the police found footage on the Go Pro. This was not real medical treatment.

My world crashed. Everything I had learned, wanted, and dreamed about is changed. Are these things the things that I still want? 

I thought I wanted to be a doctor. You told me — you showed me everything. You showed me every part, every ligament, every bone, every muscle on my own body. You taught me that.

I wanted to be like you, a man of honor and passion. Am I on your Go Pro, because I was one of your closest little friends? I saw you three times a week at least. It would be at the gym Monday nights, your house, my house in front of my parents but so hidden in plain sight.

My parents feel that they have failed me because of your master manipulation. My mom and dad think that this is their fault. They are suffering so bad just like I am. And I know that you know I am. This is not their fault. They suffer along with my brothers, my boyfriend, my friends, and myself.

Sometimes you would sneak me into the back door at MSU Sports Medicine or Holt High School football games where I graduated in ’15. You educated our athletic trainers for years and worked on me during the games in the back football room where the boys undressed.

There were some Mondays after practice I would be the last one on the list, which I was because Larry so graciously asked me to stay sometimes until midnight because he needed to work on me longer, massage me longer. As another sister survivor said, in and out, in and out. You get the picture? I’m sure everyone else does.

A typical Monday night I was at the gym 3:30 to eight p.m. for practice and then another four hours of waiting doing my homework while I was spending time with the girls at the gym. 25 plus hours wasn’t enough, but we loved every minute of it. And lately we’re reconnecting stronger and bigger than ever.

After our long play dates, we could now call them, you would take me up — you would tape me up and drive me home after an hour or two long — two hours long of examinations.

I remember you having to shave my pubic hair because you needed to put tape so high and so far up into my vaginal area and my anus. How nice of you, a butt lift and a tape job.

Larry Nassar, you sexually, mentally, and physically abused me hundreds of times without gloves, lubricant, or proper sanitation. Lubricant came naturally as I’m sure all the adults in this room can imagine. Larry, you had me so wrapped around your finger at a time that I completely was blind to this world. I was young, hadn’t quit gymnastics yet, gone to college, or cosmetology school, all of which you wrote recommendations for me.

What did you expect? Well, you expected exactly what you got. A man your age knows exactly how fragile and gullible a 12 year old girl is. A mastermind of all kinds you truly are. Did you really read the whole bible? Did that get you through your second tri at school? You told me you did and you made fun of me for not knowing exactly what bible I was reading. That sticks with me.

Reading about the Lord and all of his goodness he shares with us, even after you failed the first time. I was reading it, wasn’t I? Shouldn’t you be proud of me? Thanks for now ensuring me the strangest faith I could possibly have at 21 years old.

I have a faith that I will survive this and come out stronger than I can imagine standing here today. In a sense, Larry, you stripped me from my virginity, something so extraordinary for me. I was saving it for marriage at the time.

As I got older I started to understand my own body a little bit better. I became self conscious and anxious. Why was I so self conscious being a gymnast with a beautiful, strong healthy body? Because of you, Larry. You. You stripped me from my own skin, from every single part of my body, including the most sacred ones.

I feel dirty even after scrubbing my skin raw in the hot shower. By the way, I hope you enjoy the cold ones in prison. You are sick in the head, and I am sick, but I will not be forever. The difference between you and I, Larry, I will heal, and I thank my good Lord every day for that. You have given me this so-called anxiety that I will let randomly strike in the middle of a shopping center or the mall, anywhere if any sense is triggered, smell, sound, or touch. I take medication now for frequent attacks. I sometimes cannot stand my own boyfriend to touch me in the modest of places such as my arm or my leg. It hurts. It is painful. It’s scarring.

My body is scarred by you. You, Larry, have touched and massaged every part of my body. You covered me with your illness and I will be contaminated by you for the rest of my life.

I will never forget laying in your basement naked and alone, facing your small television, all the stuffed animals around, I kept my eyes tight, squeezed tight. This is where I found a new place in my own mind, anyplace but this place.

You would always prop up a pillow under my hips for a better angle of my lower half. You lit the fireplace as well to keep my bare bottom warm. How considerate of you. You were always worried about my butt, as another girl said, the cheerleader butt. That’s his famous one. The butt head or something. I don’t know. You liked that one.

So you have done it, Larry. You have gone the extra mile. May your studies be fulfilled in the end. For all this you’ve done, there’s a reason for it somehow, right? You know better than any of us in this room, the 12 year old body better than anyone standing here.

You have gotten me down, yes, but I will not stay down. I will rise higher than most and I will fall — you will fall — you will fall, Larry, into your grave and I will rise.

That’s all I have to say.

THE COURT: Ma’am, for someone who is afraid of public speaking, you get an A plus plus.

MS. McDOWELL: Really? You cannot be looking at me.

THE COURT: Ma’am, you have risen. You’re taller than he will ever be. Your words echoed.

That was such a wonderful speech. Your comments, your intonation. I should bring you to law school to help me teach lawyers how to speak like that at closing.

MS. McDOWELL: I mean it.

THE COURT: Well, you just — your world has not crashed. His is crashing. I will consider everything that you said at sentencing. That was a masterful, well thought out, well stated speech. You are stronger than you know and you have healed far much longer — better than you think.

You may have those episodes where you break down but I want you to think about the strength you have here and pull yourself right up, because, man, you’ve got it. You and your sister survivors together are going to keep getting stronger. Those were brave, brave words. I’m so thankful you uttered them here in front of me as I consider sentencing.

Thank you so much.

MS. McDOWELL: Thank you.