Victim 138
date of testimony: January 23th 2018
location of testimony: Lansing, Michigan
poem read by court official Ms Poviaitis
Have you ever lost your mind?
Have you ever lost yourself?
Have you ever felt there was no way out that you could find?
Have you ever been fighting your self awake from the nightmare that doesn’t end?
Have you ever been scared to close your eyes at night?
Have you ever lost your perfect childhood or a close friend?
Have you ever lost trust, or have you gazed upon your life, the dreams you once had that slowly turned to dust?
Have you ever been a child with a secret to tell?
Have you ever felt ashamed and embarrassed?
Have you ever wanted to end your life so your mind would stop the hell?
Have you ever felt like it’s easier to hide it all inside? To sit alone and cry at night due to the fear of being brushed aside?
Fighting is the answer even though it won’t make it right, not only fighting for yourself but for those little ones you tuck in at night.
Yes, it’s hard to tell my childhood story, or at least the parts I wish I could undo, but this is the real me, I’m not just a victim, I am me because of you.
Because of you I am anxious. Because of you I’m sad. Because of you I’m up all night thinking how you were my second dad.
Because of you I’m ashamed that it took me so long to realize, because of you I have hidden and locked all my emotions inside.
Because of you I write this while I should be asleep, but my mind cannot stop thinking of the thing you did to me.
From the time I was eight through 33 years old, you were in my life; a doctor, a friend, a second father, a person I confided in to make everything all right.
I think now about your treatments and it makes me sick. It’s like reliving my life and seeing everything in slow motion and suddenly everything clicks.
Sometimes I feel worse for you than me. At first I didn’t want to come forward but I see mother’s tears, speak to my father in heaven, and look down at my daughter and I know I’m also doing this for my family.
I am not doing this for you. I’m not doing this for me. I’m doing this to bring awareness and for the entire world to see.
My scars will remain with me as I remember the things I went through, but my reason behind me coming forward is so my baby doesn’t have to grow up being subjected to people like you.
As I sit here in tears, my words are gone, my mind consumed with anxiety. What you took from me and so many others was our youth and innocent years.
I hope and pray daily that myself and the hundreds of survivors find a way to heal, but I am also thankful that justice will be served and there will not be another childhood for you to steal.
That is survivor victim number 138.
THE COURT: Thank you. Would you ask 138 if we could make a copy of her poem and provide it to defendant so he may read it? I think that is a nice summary of all of the sister survivors’ sentiments and everything we heard. I don’t know if he’ll ever read the transcript. I don’t know if he’s listening now and really absorbing what detriment has been out there, the destruction to the victims, but I think that at some point I’m hopeful he’ll actually read that and internalize it, so with her permission, I would like to do that.
MS. POVILAITIS: I will do that, Your Honor. It is very well written and a beautiful poem.
THE COURT: It is very well written and I think it’s fitting he own a copy. Thank you.
