Erin McCann
date of testimony: January 22th 2018
location of testimony: Lansing, Michigan
read by court official Ms Snyder
Your Honor, I truly appreciate the opportunity to discuss how this assault has impacted my life. It is so very difficult to attempt to put the trauma and suffering of this assault into words. I have lost many relationships and continue to struggle on a daily basis. It is so hard to measure the impact which recently has become so profound.
This assault has impacted my ability to trust, and this pervades all my interpersonal relationships. I have lost close friends and struggle in intimate relationships to build trust. I have and continue to have many failed intimate relationships due to lack of truck. Socially I isolate myself. More recently I increase with isolation in order to avoid having to discuss sexual assault as a topic, which is almost unavoidable with recent increases in conversations surrounding sexual harassment and assault.
I also isolate myself as I just do not have the energy to converse with others. During my lunch break I stay in my office to avoid social discussions that may bring up a topic of this nature. I have difficulty filling my friendship void due to this lack of ability to participate on a social level. I am often embarrassed that this assault happened and do not want others to know it, which leads to further isolation.
I have isolated myself from my family and others close to me. In the recent months I am the most unhappy that I have ever been. Having to recall details of this assault for questioning and reports only causes further trauma and suffering. I have had to seek counseling as I am not able to cope with the situation on my own. I struggle to get out of bed in the morning and often struggle to get to work. I often lay in bed at night unable to sleep as I lay awake trying to recall details that I could not during my interview recall.
I was once very active and no longer feel like working out or exercising. There are daily reminders of my assault that have haunted me for a long time.
Doctor Nassar commented on asymmetries of my body during his assault to me. Every day when I see my body I am reminded of his words which then remind me of the assault. I relive the pain and trauma every time I shower, use the bathroom, or undress. It is something that never goes away. His words and actions are a constant nagging presence.
It is a flashback to the experience every time I see my body. I would give anything to make that go away.
Due to the constant mental exhaustion and sadness I also suffer from concentration and memory impairment that impact me on a daily basis. My performance at my job is constantly impacted by these struggles. For example, I often forget tasks or topics of importance at work that impact my performance. There are also times that I cannot deal with little daily stressors and have to shut my office door to be alone and often spend most of my day fighting back tears. I have lost days at work and have had many unproductive hours as well.
Lastly, my hard work and dreams to be a Big Ten athlete are tarnished by this assault. I was not a scholarship athlete. I had to work very, very hard to make the team at Michigan State. I was so proud of myself when I made the team despite doubt from people close to me. This was the proudest moment of my life. Unfortunately, I was injured shortly after making the team and was referred to Doctor Nassar. This is where the pride and the accomplishment turns to regret and misery.
His assault has tainted the memory of my dream. I cannot look back on my athletic career at Michigan State without remembering this cancer. I also am haunted by the comments that were told to me prior to and after my appointment with him. I was told over and over again how honored I should feel that I was seeing Doctor Nassar. It was odd and made me feel uncomfortable. Why did they keep saying that? It was odd and is now branded in my brain. It was no honor. It was disgust. It took more than it should have from me. Thank you.
THE COURT: I’m honored she had the fortitude to speak out. Speaking out will help her heal and help defendant’s voice go away. I’m hopeful of that. She is so worthy of an active, productive life. Please send her my message of healing.
